Textually Active is hosting its first annual Meth Olympics!
As our valued readers, you have been chosen to chime in and help determine this year’s big winner.
Below you will find yourself face to meth with a wide variety of well known kids who just can’t say no to a good time.
Your job is to vote on whom you believe truly put their best meth foot forward.
Your criteria for judgment should include:
Magnitude and creative variety of sores, abrasions and lesions.
Degree of public degeneracy based on twits and otherwise wildly entertaining public exploits.
Their physical degree of ocular disengagement with reality.
LET THE GAMES BEGIN!
Oh Andy not again! Andy’s list of accolades include pissing his pants in the back seat of a cop car, sporting a very fashionable ankle alcohol monitor, not to mention that he is currently being charged with two felony counts of sexual abuse for groping a couple of unappreciative men in a bar in West Virginia.
Former teen heart throb Aaron Carter. This 23-year-old 47-year-old recovering addict who works at your local recycling depots where he hides behind a compressed block of newsprint and jerks off to your unsuspecting ass while you flatten your cardboard boxes. This hunks list of accolades include recently being arrested for possession in Kimble County, Texas.
Despite her name British songstress Amy Winehouse has chosen to instead opt for quality time at the Crackhouse. Her long and acclaimed list of exploits include purchasing a cotton candy machine for the expressed purpose of lacing the sugar with cocaine for a sweet treat with a kick, regularly dealing with the paps in the manner of slapping a bitch and most infamously for beating the shit out of her husband in the ill fated bloodied pink ballet slipper incident. Amy is Textually Active’s personal sweetheart for this years Meth Olympics.
The Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss. Maybe it’s just me but if I was so much as offered a girl by this cautionary tale of meth I would assume that by just standing close enough to hear those words I had already contract the Hep. Who in their right mind would willingly be advised by this disaster as to where to stick your dick? Heidi’s public displays of disillusion include her comparing herself to Alexander the Great.
Oh Busey. You are an enigma wrapped in a cocaine laced conundrum swathed in the world largest hit of LSD. Trying for even a moment to get inside of the mind of the Buse, you would no doubt be immediately deafened by the millions of personalities just hanging out playing bocce ball with the neurotransmitters inside his head. Regardless. I almost always have no idea at all what this man is talking about but that does not deter my utter captivation. Also he has named his penis ‘Big Wednesday’.
‘Is this toothbrush certified by the American Dental Association?’ What difference does it make when you are only going to use it to gently massage MJ no-no hole? Poor Macaulay obviously turned to drugs after the trauma of not having been molested, despite having spent many a night in the bed of the King of Pop. In September 2004 he was arrested for possession of marijuana, Alprazolam and Clonazepam. Wait a minute… can I get arrested for my possession of Marijuana, Alprazolam and Clonazepam? Macaulay needs to start packing his prescription. It’s common sense, man. ‘Keep the change you filthy animal.’
Next week on The Hills! The infamous ‘ShePratt’ is only a couple cars behind her brother on the batshit crazy train. Although the story line of The Hills only give you a dry unimaginative taste of ‘ShePratt’s actual background story and antics the truth is actually far more Hillishious. ShePratt and a friend were arrested in Hawaii in 2006 for shoplifting $1,300 worth of goods from Neiman Marcus. The girls blamed their lack of judgment on the fact that they were under the influence of prescription medication at the time. Upon later inspection the girls were found to have a cornucopia of both street and regulated pharmaceutical drugs in their super awesome Coach handbags. I don’t know how many time I have to fucking tell people this! You have the right to remain silent you yammering fucking tweeker. Utilize that right. Had ‘ShePatt’ the where-with-all to just stare out in space while muttering ‘I don’t understand why Spencer is doing this?’ like she always fucking does rather than volunteering unnecessary information she would likely have gone home to her Hill without any further ado. Methinks Homegirl is going to have to employ every last mystical crystal HePratt has in his arsenal to get out of this one.
A Meth Face only Disney could love. Lindsay’s long and remarkable list of accolades include such trivialities as driving into a tree while intoxicated, having three unsuccessful sojourns at rehabilitation facilities and publicly supporting her decision to imbibe in cocaine, booze and pills while enjoying nights out dancing with friends. There is nothing a weeping facial lesion likes more than dancing until the wee hours of the morning. Lindsay and her BFF Denial broke promises at Promises and eventually she ended up wearing her very own Harry Winston anklet of shame. In my opinion the most questionable and repulsive of all of her exploits has to be her incessant scissoring with the walking yeast infection that is Samatha Ronson. Gross.
Rock, Paper…Scissors Ronson Style.
Ro, Sham, Barf.
I could go on all day.
When it seems like a bright idea to name your kid after a fucking legume you gotta know your in a bad way. Courtney is a mess of biblical proportions. While long known for her excessive drug use as well as very public statements of sheer lunacy somehow Courtney has managed to keep on trucking. I honestly think Courtney Love may be the reason why Twitter was invented. As of late she has been spending an extraordinary amount of time in the courtroom, perhaps in an attempt to keep herself relevant. If you bring your lawyer, she’ll bring the crazy.
Peter, Peter methadone eater had a habit and couldn’t feed er’. Seriously there are no words. Not a single one. Homeboy needs a wash. I guess just wash then. That is the only word.
So do it kids. In whatever manner you personally feel inclined.
Rock the Vote.
Get Out The Vote.
Vote or Die
Just do it.
It is after all your civic sacrament.