So feel free to file this under Reasons You Know For a Fact that I am a Card Carrying Member of the Raunchy Ass Bitches Club, but this information has come to my attention and I feel compelled to share the love. According to Global’s “The Doctor’s” (the cast of which are totally inconsequential with the exception of the hot pleasebemygynecologist piece, Dr. Travis Stork), there is a major problem emerging within America’s teenage district in the arena of tampon abuse. These disgusting baby liquor pigs, while attempting to get their drink on minus the pesky detail of pouring themselves a glass, are inserting vodka soaked tampons into their lady bits. Oh. My. God.
“The Doctor’s” are claiming that these vodka tampons are becoming more and more popular and are being used by girls as young as twelve. The draw to imbibing via your vagina being that the alcohol has a quicker absorption rate and, more momentously, that it is easily hidden from parents and authority figures. Not to be outdone by their female counterparts, teenage boys have been celebrating by inserting beer bongs into their manholes. Sweet. Baby. Jesus.
Honestly, what is the world coming to? My two-year-old daughter is thisclose to never being able to leave the house again. I vividly remember being a teenager and experimenting with drugs and alcohol but at that tender age the experimenting mostly consisted of sharing a roll your own basil joint or the occasional 2L of that god forsaken nectar of the gods the infamous Okanagan Extra Glacier Berry Cooler. I STILL throw up a little bit in my mouth if I so much as get a whiff of that shit. I can’t imagine on what kind of planet a bunch of dudes are sitting around in the backyard anally chugging beer together while their girlfriends are hanging out in the kitchen, soaking their tampons in vodka while talking about how lame their parents are and how they are “like totally gonna bomb next weeks physics test.”
Someone really has to begin pointing fingers here so I am going to start by directing everyone’s attention to that vile little midget, Steve-O, hailing from the posse of imbeciles that is Jackass. He was filmed on their latest “movie” pounding at least three beers rectally via a beer bong. Here he is, dipshit teenagers, a role model for you to embody in every possible way. I hope parents keep little Steve-O in mind when they are emptying their son’s Colostomy Bag-O because his O-ring quit his ass due to abuse.