The Meth Olympics

Textually Active is hosting its first annual Meth Olympics!

As our valued readers, you have been chosen to chime in and help determine this year’s big winner.

Below you will find yourself face to meth with a wide variety of well known kids who just can’t say no to a good time.

Your job is to vote on whom you believe truly put their best meth foot forward.

Your criteria for judgment should include:

Magnitude and creative variety of sores, abrasions and lesions.

Degree of public degeneracy based on twits and otherwise wildly entertaining public exploits.

Their physical degree of ocular disengagement with reality.

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

Oh Andy not again!  Andy’s list of accolades include pissing his pants in the back seat of a cop car, sporting a very fashionable ankle alcohol monitor, not to mention that he is currently being charged with two felony counts of sexual abuse for groping a couple of unappreciative men in a bar in West Virginia.

Former teen heart throb Aaron Carter.  This 23-year-old 47-year-old recovering addict who works at your local recycling depots where he hides behind a compressed block of newsprint and jerks off to your unsuspecting ass while you flatten your cardboard boxes.  This hunks list of accolades include recently being arrested for possession in Kimble County, Texas.

Despite her name British songstress Amy Winehouse has chosen to instead opt for quality time at the Crackhouse.  Her long and acclaimed list of exploits include purchasing a cotton candy machine for the expressed purpose of lacing the sugar with cocaine for a sweet treat with a kick, regularly dealing with the paps in the manner of slapping a bitch and most infamously for beating the shit out of her husband in the ill fated bloodied pink ballet slipper incident.  Amy is Textually Active’s personal sweetheart for this years Meth Olympics.

The Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss.  Maybe it’s just me but if I was so much as offered a girl by this cautionary tale of meth I would assume that by just standing close enough to hear those words I had already contract the Hep.  Who in their right mind would willingly be advised by this disaster as to where to stick your dick?  Heidi’s public displays of disillusion include her comparing herself to Alexander the Great.

Oh Busey.  You are an enigma wrapped in a cocaine laced conundrum swathed in the world largest hit of LSD.  Trying for even a moment to get inside of the mind of the Buse, you would no doubt be immediately deafened by the millions of personalities just hanging out playing bocce ball with the neurotransmitters inside his head.  Regardless.  I almost always have no idea at all what this man is talking about but that does not deter my utter captivation.  Also he has named his penis ‘Big Wednesday’.

‘Is this toothbrush certified by the American Dental Association?’  What difference does it make when you are only going to use it to gently massage MJ no-no hole?  Poor Macaulay obviously turned to drugs after the trauma of not having been molested, despite having spent many a night in the bed of the King of Pop.  In September 2004 he was arrested for possession of marijuana, Alprazolam and Clonazepam.  Wait a minute… can I get arrested for my possession of Marijuana, Alprazolam and Clonazepam?  Macaulay needs to start packing his prescription.  It’s common sense, man.  ‘Keep the change you filthy animal.’

Next week on The Hills!  The infamous ‘ShePratt’ is only a couple cars behind her brother on the batshit crazy train.  Although the story line of The Hills only give you a dry unimaginative taste of ‘ShePratt’s actual background story and antics the truth is actually far more Hillishious.  ShePratt and a friend were arrested in Hawaii in 2006 for shoplifting $1,300 worth of goods from Neiman Marcus.  The girls blamed their lack of judgment on the fact that they were under the influence of prescription medication at the time.  Upon later inspection the girls were found to have a cornucopia of both street and regulated pharmaceutical drugs in their super awesome Coach handbags.  I don’t know how many time I have to fucking tell people this!  You have the right to remain silent you yammering fucking tweeker.   Utilize that right.  Had ‘ShePatt’ the where-with-all to just stare out in space while muttering ‘I don’t understand why Spencer is doing this?’ like she always fucking does rather than volunteering unnecessary information she would likely have gone home to her Hill without any further ado.  Methinks Homegirl is going to have to employ every last mystical crystal HePratt has in his arsenal to get out of this one.

A Meth Face only Disney could love.  Lindsay’s long and remarkable list of accolades include such trivialities as driving into a tree while intoxicated, having three unsuccessful sojourns at rehabilitation facilities and publicly supporting her decision to imbibe in cocaine, booze and pills while enjoying nights out dancing with friends.  There is nothing a weeping facial lesion likes more than dancing until the wee hours of the morning.  Lindsay and her BFF Denial broke promises at Promises and eventually she ended up wearing her very own Harry Winston anklet of shame.  In my opinion the most questionable and repulsive of all of her exploits has to be her incessant scissoring with the walking yeast infection that is Samatha Ronson.  Gross.

Rock, Paper…Scissors Ronson Style.

Ro, Sham, Barf.

I could go on all day.

When it seems like a bright idea to name your kid after a fucking legume you gotta know your in a bad way.  Courtney is a mess of biblical proportions.  While long known for her excessive drug use as well as very public statements of sheer lunacy somehow Courtney has managed to keep on trucking.  I honestly think Courtney Love may be the reason why Twitter was invented.  As of late she has been spending an extraordinary amount of time in the courtroom, perhaps in an attempt to keep herself relevant.  If you bring your lawyer, she’ll bring the crazy.

Peter, Peter methadone eater had a habit and couldn’t feed er’.  Seriously there are no words.  Not a single one.  Homeboy needs a wash.  I guess just wash then.  That is the only word.

So do it kids.  In whatever manner you personally feel inclined.

Rock the Vote.

Get Out The Vote.

Vote or Die

Just do it.

It is after all your civic sacrament.

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28 responses to “The Meth Olympics

  • kim

    Busey. Hands down. (though the open sore award goes to Courtney)
    I would also like to note a possible honorable mention??????
    David Hasselhoff. He’s got bucket loads of batshit crazy. He’s like the Brady Bunch if the Brady Bunch did porn.

  • Janie

    I don’t know weather to laugh or cry

  • George Clooney

    Quesion. Does this make you feel better about your cocaine and other drug use in the past? Because, in all fairness shouldn’t your picture or your spouses picture be up on this list too? I’ve seen some pretty bad ones of both of you. But you never let it get THAT out of hand … right? Is that what this is all about. Cocaine addicts make fun of crackheads and crackheads make fun of meth addicts. People with an IQ of 75 claim they have Einstein Syndrome and God looks down at all of the geniuses like they’re idiots?

    Whatever gets you through the withdrawals I guess.
    Or were you thinking about dusting off the old coke-sniffer again for a few more parties?

  • Kim

    Wow I’d go with busey too!

    George Clooney, if that is your real name haha, a little harsh doncha think?
    Raeleighs never done drugs. She has children! Don’t be crazy. Neither has her rockstar hubby, that’s just stupid talk.

  • Matthew Good

    You have a picture of me doing drugs? Can I see it. I’d like to know what I look like doing drugs!

  • raeleigh

    Dear Jackie’s boyfriend Booker,

    First and foremost my husband has never done drugs at all. That is a very popular misconception based exclusively on his weight during the beginning of his career. I have no desire to educate you further on why this was. Why don’t you wiki that shit before shooting your anonymous mouth off.

    As for myself, I have dabbled for certain. In my early twenties when people do. In fact cocaine scares the shit out of me because it is just that awesome hence my lack of desire to engage in such bullshit as a responsible adult. However I have no judgement to pass on people who choose to imbibe in the dander of Satan for time to time. It is not for me but to each their own.

    Yes this post is both savage and cruel.

    However.

    I never promised you a fucking rose garden.

    Go have Jackie make you a loose meat sandwich and try to calm down.

  • Stoner

    Ever wonder how the sun burns if their is no oxygen in space? What’s up with that?

  • Georgio Armani

    Matthew Good:

    I have a picture of you popping pills? You never o.d’d on pills and wound up in a hospital? Pills aren’t drugs? If a doctor prescribes you valium, oxycodone or ativan, hey, that’s not drugs! My doctor gave this to me.
    Define drugs?
    Are we playing semantic games now?

    And yes, I was referring to the obvious – the pics of Matt looking like a junkie in the 90′s, the ones in which he admits he looks like a junkie (I’m not judging, we all looked like junkies in the 90′s – lighten up you two!) .

    Whether or not All Natural 100% coca leaf powder has found its way up his nose or not was not really what I was driving at so much so as the overall condescending theme of this blog post. What I was driving at, which I think is fairly obvious here is that we should all look at our own position before mocking others. And you’re on record on this very same blog airing out the details of your drugged up past. I’m not judgin, just sayin’. I think I’ve done more drugs than you anyawy :-p

    I’m no defender of Gary Busey or anyone else, but I mean, they all have families and loved ones too right?

    Anyway, I’m glad you can take it as well as dish it out. Rae. Matt on the other hand….
    he’s another story.

    • QueenCanadia

      Oh, sure, because undiagnosed medical conditions could NEVER, EVER make someone look like shit. Obviously, it has to be drug use. Clearly.

      What was that about “look at our own position before mocking others”?

      The post itself discusses arrests for drug possession, public displays of WTF, and well-documented poor decisions on the parts of the celebrities in question – all of whom really should know better.

    • QueenCanadia

      Relatedly, consider that you just made fun of mental illness. GO YOU!

      • raeleigh

        Can I steal a bit of your name for myself?

        You know, fix it up a little and then start using it as my own?

        Queen Candida, sovereign ruler of the Vagina Yeast Infection.

        I’ll put a space between mine just so there is no confusing us.

        I owe you a bunt cake.

  • Stoner

    Well, perhaps stars aren’t the same fire as we have on earth. Fire needs to consume oxygen. The stars consume themselves. They’re gas balls. The sun is a giant ball of gas. It doesn’t burn….Well if it doesn’t burn, then what does it do out there? How does it emit light and heat? Man there’s just so much to know you know? It’s good to know enough to know that you don’t know everything.

    Each one of us is the center of the universe. If you look to your left, There’s the whole universe. If you look to your right, the same. Same with up and down. You’re the center of everything.

    You are a God.

    However none of this is yours. You don’t get to keep anything from this place. Nothing. So tell me Mr. Clooney, what are you leaving behind?

    Maybe to be alive is to be spiritually dying.

    BLUE APPLES

  • Matthew Good

    You mean the pills I was prescribed to combat overwhelming dysphoric mania after being prescribed a massive dose of an anti-depressant that heightens mania in those that suffer from bipolarity before I even knew I had bipolarity? Yes, that’s exactly the same thing as partying in Hollywood to such an extent that someone has to blow coke up your ass because you can no longer suck it up your own nose.

    Did I overdose on Ativan? Yes, I did. Was it intentional? No, it wasn’t. Did that lead me to discovering that a genealogical mental illness is prevalent in my family history, subsequently resulting in the adoption of a proper drug regime? Yes, it did. Have I taken a single Ativan since that night? No, I haven’t.

    Now, if any one of the people that Rae has used in this post are self medicating because they suffer from a mental illness then that’s sad and they should seek help – or someone should intervene. That said, this is her website, not mine, and she has the right to be as sarcastic and sardonic as she likes. I don’t impose my will on her when it comes to her creativity or humour. I respect her right to write about whatever she wants to.

  • Stoner

    Wait wait. I shouldn’t have posted that. Is there a way to go back and delete that?

    Fuck I hope they don’t put something in my water supply. I’ve gotta put tinfoil on my head to keep them from brainwashing me via satellite.

    They almost got to me through the TV once. But I saw through their little plans.

  • Georgio Armani

    I’m glad we had this talk.

    Deep breath.

    Let’s go ride some horsies!

  • Stoner

    You guys are a hoot

  • raeleigh

    Ummmm…hello. Remember me? This is my fucking bouncy castle and if you feel inclined to direct your angst toward someone I would appreciate it that that someone be me. Last time I jumped on to the stage as an awesome surprise playing air guitar and screeching Hello Timebomb Matt quickly informed me that according to Section 9, Part 4 of our Successful Marriage Handbook that I was legally obligated to step the fuck off. No doubt this was a result of his irritation that I had stolen his thunder (I can play air guitar and air drums simultaneously) yet according to the SMH I have to comply.

    There are an unlimited amount of inter forums in which you can freely go and irritate my husband.

    This is my pony.

    Please respect my pony.

    She enjoys long walks, carrots and kicking me in the face.

    So if any of these options interest you you are more than welcome to throw up your pup tent and hang out. I will no longer be responding to comments that are directly or indirectly aimed at my husband.

  • Bob Loblaw

    I agree completely, this is your pony.
    Whether or not you mention your husband, people shouldn’t ever mention him, and if they do, you should never respond. Got it.

    Now that my mind is bent 6 ways from Sunday.

    I like your blog.
    I enjoy reading it.
    Clearly we’ve all gotten a little carried away here today.
    I’ll be the first to step out of the comment section. I’ll go back to not commenting.

    Haha, no, actually, I can’t promise that. Let’s be real here.

  • Stoner

    Speaking of Matt Good, the husband of Raeleigh Jane,

    In a recent interview Hosted by ExploreMusic’s Alan Cross, Matt said that you guys talk about how weird stuff is.

    Now you don’t honestly think that the WHOLE WORLD has gotten weird do you? How does the whole world all of a sudden get weird?

    Come brothers and sisters lets not fight. We’re all the same thing.

  • Shane

    Whenever I think of meth, this song gets stuck in my head:

    • Shane

      Hey Rae, y u no have comment preview?

      Apparently, I cannot post youtube embed code, so link to video it is!

      Copy and paste!

      • Shane

        Last comment I will make today:

        Apparently copying the link to the youtube video will embed it on wordpress. The more you know! [insert shooting star]

  • kim

    I take back my entry.
    My entry is now the comment section. (open sore award still going to Courtney though)

  • Stoner = Good

    “You guys are my best friends, through thick and thin, we’ve always been together, we’re four of a kind, having fun all day, palin’ around, and laughin’ away, just best friends… best friends are we!

    I love you guys
    – Eric Cartman “

  • Adriane Basanta

    Very interesting info!Perfect just what I was looking for!. “Everybody likes to go their own way–to choose their own time and manner of devotion.”

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