Dirty Sanchez Doggy Door


Here is one for all you Small Towners out there.

This Hood Thing is only truly effective if you have late night access to the parking lot of literally the only bar in town.  Moreover, it is best if your town is such that you will personally know roughly 60% of the people that will stumbling out of said bars doors at exactly 2 am.

Last call, mutherfuckers.

The Dirty Sanchez Doggy Door is one of the lesser-known dog shit pranks and I personally feel it is high time it is celebrated.

Ingredients:

  • · Dog Shit (if you are like me there is a mini garbage can of these gruesome little laughter inducers hanging out in your backyard.  Access to an ample amount of dog shit is only truly feasible if you currently own a dog. I would recommend adopting a dog from the SPCA if you are finding dog shit access to be problematic.  That way, not only are you entirely lovely for your noble deed but you are also sufficiently armed.)
  • · Plastic Gloves Unless you want to be the butt of your own joke.
  • · An opening in your itinerary between 1:45 am and 2:20 am on a Friday or Saturday Night.
  • · An unaired smoldering hatred for everyone in your midst.

Procedure:

I am going to say right off the bat that it is terribly important that you are not currently the town asshole.  If you are going to be able to really savor the effects of your hard work it is crucial that you be able to hang around to witness the repercussions without arousing suspicion.  Being the object of a late night drunken town lynching is not how you want to end your day.   The ability to act as a double agent is going to be crucial while you are shouting, ‘Dear Lord, it’s under my nails!’ from within the drunken mob.

If I have to read about your untimely demise in the ‘One Horse Town Gazette’ I am going to be extremely disappointed in you.

So there you are, a liquor store bag of dog shit in one hand and a box of hand condoms in the other.  You get in your car and you drive to Splashes, The Rusty Rooster or what have you.  You park your car within the lot of unsuspecting drunken metal methods to get home and then you wait.  I would recommend a minimum of 15 minutes to be entirely sure that the coast is clear.  Scan the interior of the vehicles parked around you.  Is the local fat girl is currently ensconced in providing a back seat blowjob within your blast zone?  If she is, the dude she is blowing is very likely to see you while you are unleashing hell.

You know he is looking anywhere but at her.

These are all things you have to take into consideration.

When you are damn sure that the coast is clear, slap on your plastic gloves and quick as a bunny smear an ample amount of dog shit under the door handles of as many vehicles as you can.

Don’t neglect the passenger doors!

When you have doled out your share of retribution, immediately dispose of any evidence that could tie you to the crime scene.

And for Christ sakes do not leave your box of gloves sitting on your passengers seat!  Trunk that shit for the next time you submit to helping a buddy take down their show.

Nobody likes a contact high.

Now you are free to sit back in unrivalled ecstasy while you await the fallout.  These are deathbed memories, my friend.  The moments that truly make life worth living.

At the stroke of 2 you can expect a swarm of drunken ingrates to come spilling out into the parking lot while making their way to their cars.

Oh the titillation.

This would be a great time for you to get out of your car and be a wolf in this herd of sheep.

Much fun is sure to ensue.

Enjoy.

Disclaimer

Hood Things is in no way associated with Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia Inc, it’s sister, parent or affiliated companies.  The Dirty Sanchez Doggy Door is intended for entertaining recreational use only.  Some assembly required.  Raeleigh Jane is not responsible for any direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from the accomplishment of a Dirty Sanchez Doggy Door or your own failure to perform said task successfully.  If you find anything offending or politically incorrect about this post it is purely a product of your own imagination.

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3 responses to “Dirty Sanchez Doggy Door

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